I have not read my Bible for about a week. Last Tuesday or Wednesday at Work I studied for a little bit during my break. Now, I'm not saying this to say that I'm a "bad Christian" for not reading, but that I am suffering for not reading. My walk with the Lord suffers greatly when I'm not in His word, or praying for that matter. If you're wondering why it suffers, that's what I'm here to tell you in this post.
Have you ever had a relationship with anyone? I don't mean just a dating relationship but even a friendship. Do those relationships/friendships grow at all if you don't talk to each other or spend time together? No, of course not! You can't build a relationship with someone you don't talk to. Well, that is why my walk is suffering, because I'm trying to keep up a relationship with someone I've been ignoring. Have you ever tried to rebuild a friendship with someone you've ignored for a few months? It's hard to keep the friendship the same. Well, that's what is going on with me. I've been ignoring God for sometime now, so I'm at the point where I need to 'rebuild it'. Not that God is looking at me going, "I don't know if can forgive you for ignoring me." But, that I have to get over my pride and ask Him for forgiveness. Once I do that He will say, "I already forgave you, don't you remember? I sent my Son! He bore your sins on the cross. You're forgiven!" Then when I've swallowed my pride, I can then run into my Father's arms, and continue to build my relationship with Him. While I'm stuck in my pride/sin the Father is patiently waiting, and still loves me. Because, His love never fails.
Now, I'm going to explain what my suffering walk looks like. Right now, because of the lack of relationship(only on my part) with God, I easily get upset with those around me, I'm discontent, depressed, stressed, weak, and over all pretty self-centered. I've been very discontent about a few things lately. One being stuck at home still, I feel like I'm very ready to move out, the other thing I'm discontent about is being single. There is a guy I've liked for around 7 months now, and we are just friends. And I'm beginning to think that's all we will ever be. I'd obviously like to be more, but I should realize how blessed I am to have him even as a friend, let alone a best friend. And if we stay just friends, then that's God's will for me, and He has someone better for me.(Even thou, I don't think there is anyone better for me out there) Because I'm discontent with my friendship with him, I get very short with him, and get annoyed and mad at him over nothing really. Or I read into things, and worst of all I get jealous over every girl he talks to. Which doesn't help my attitude towards him. I feel pretty bad for him, he has to put up with a very moody me. Which I'm sure is no fun to deal with. Yet he does, I'm so blessed to have him as a friend, but my discontent mind of "I'd be happier if I had more" gets in the way. How long is it going to take for me to realize how blessed I am?
Now, as far as being depressed, I'm not totally sure what to think about this. I'm bet it ties back into being discontent. Remember that, "If I had more I'd be happier" attitude? I think it's the biggest cause of my depression. I don't realize how blessed I am to have the things I have, I just look at what they have and what I don't have. Another problem is that I don't want to bother people with my problems so I keep my troubles to myself. Most of the time I don't even give it to the Lord. I act like can do it by myself. I was told that if I really do have depression that I need to start being more active, so soon here I will join a gym so I can keep active and get into shape.
I'm stressed, because I try to do everything on my own. And I simply try to do everything. If someone asks me to do something I will almost always say 'yes!' unless I'm already doing something. Even if I haven't slept all night I'll still say yes. Then on things I don't have control over that are to big for me to handle I don't ask for help or pray for strength and/or help.This makes the stress build up.
Now, you maybe wondering how all of this comes from my lack of a relationship with God. Well, this is why, I am weak on my own. I can't really do anything but Phil. 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ which strenghteneth me." So when I don't keep my relationship with God up, I start thinking, "I can do this without Him." But I really can't. That's like if I said I would build a well but didn't bring out a shovel. Or saying I could build a house and not bring any tools, it doesn't work.
This has been my life in a nutshell the past couple of months. I've been trying to build a mansion with no tools and with no co-workers (fellow believers). My life has been a lot harder these past couple months then it should have been.
Oh, but do you know one of the most amazing things about my Father? Even though I've been ignoring Hi;, He has still given me grace. He still showed me love and took care of me! My God, Creator, Savior, Lord, and king is amazing! And I am blessed.
Katharine
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