This morning I found out a dear friend of mine past away. I know he is in a better place, he is in heaven giving praise to God. Yet as I sit here on my bed all I can do is cry. And I'm not even crying for his family, but for me. I hate how selfish I am in everything, but here I am crying my eyes... I've even given myself a headache from crying so much. I found out around 9 O'clock this morning and spent most of the morning in tears. Then I went to work where I put a smile on my face for the kids..as I walked away from work I bursted into tears. From there I dropped a gift off at a friends house and yet again bursted into tears as I walked away. From there I drove around town for about 30 minutes trying to think of someones house I could go to, texting people as I drove around...found no one who wasn't busy. Now I'm sitting at home, on my bed wishing I could just disappear... cause I sure feel like I have already. I keep telling myself that the reason I couldn't find someone to hang out with was because I need to trust in God, and have Him help me through this... but I just can't get myself to believe it! Back to me being selfish. I'm not family, so no one is really checking up on me. But I'm close enough to feel complete heartbreak that I don't get to see him! That I never get to talk to him again. That I'll never get to introduce him to my boyfriend(so he can put some fear in the guy).Then I think of the fact that his daughter will never have this either... She'll never have a dad to walk her down the aisle, or give her away on her wedding day.
I wish I could go over to their house to bring them some sort of comfort or encouragement...but all I'd do is cry...and thats not encouraging or comforting. So I will sit here tonight crying, and tomorrow go to church with some fake smile on my face.
You know what? I've forgotten a lot of the stuff that happened right after my dad and brother died (it was all kind of a blur), but one part that I will never forget, is when three of my friends came over and just cried with me. We barely talked at all. We just held each other and cried for a really long time. It was an amazing comfort to me, and even now it makes me tear up to think about it. There were an awful lot of people who talked to me and said a lot of things trying to encourage me, but what I remember is those 3 friends who didn't say anything and just cried with me. When someone close to you dies, nothing anyone says makes it feel better. But what *does* help, is knowing that people care and that they are there for you. So...I know that everyone's situation is different, but for what it's worth, crying and grieving with someone can actually be very encouraging and comforting. I'm so sorry for the hurt you are feeling right now and I wish I could give you a big hug. :(
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